Cold

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It held my heart in its two hands. I was careful. I was cautious. I moved slowly and stepped back when it got too close. I knew when to stay and when to walk away. I was careful with what I said and kept my mouth shut when I was supposed to.

I still remember how it attacked me like a thief in the night, when it wrapped its cold fingers around my throat and squeezed. It was supposed to silence me. It was supposed to kill me.

It thought it had me. But it didn’t.

It thought it could control me. It can’t.

It tried to stop my heart from beating. But it failed.

I survived.

This heart of mine beats stronger, more forcefully, more passionately. It may have been broken, but once I wrestled it from those icy, careless hands, it was built back up. It got stronger. Now it beats in my chest like never before; new and prepared to fuel me whenever my feet may lead me.

Lies are a tricky thing. They sneak up on you. They disguise themselves in the truth. Why else would we fall for them? That’s how they kill you.

The biggest lie I hear (and sometimes believe) nowadays is this notion that I’m not good enough…

-because I don’t fall into the tall, blond, thin I’m not beautiful

-because I’m not outgoing,  or exciting, that I’m not good at my job

-because I’m 34 and single, that I’m not “marriage material;” They’re all lies

-because I’m not a doctor or lawyer with a 6 figure salary, I’m not smart.

They’re all lies, but they’re all things I’ve believed at one point in my life. And it kills me slowly and in a most painful way. I’ve spent hours, days, and even weeks trying to fix them…finding the right shade of lipstick, perfecting that winged eyeliner, looking for ways to make more money or “faking it ’til I make it” so that my personality fits my peers better. Instead of getting better, it just gets worse because the web of lies becomes more and more complicated.

What I should have been doing instead was pursue the truth. They say the truth hurts. This may be true, but it doesn’t torture you. It doesn’t prolong the pain. It doesn’t kill you. The past few months have taught me something important:

It’s better to take action based on the truth than it is to wrap yourself in a comfortable blanket of lies. It may feel good at the time, but eventually it will get worse and worse until you can barely breathe. And so, I resolve myself to pursue the truth, knowing that in the long run, I will be free of the cold, strangling hands of lies.

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2 Responses to Cold

  1. Thanks for this reminder. Lately I’ve been stuck in the ‘I’m worthless’ cycle. But this was a good reminder that I shouldn’t let the lies that I tell myself control the person I truly am. Thank you, thank you, thank you. God bless you ❤

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